Diary of a Snow Shoveler

December 8 6:00 PM It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9 We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a lovelier place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had! Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life!

December 12 The sun has melted all our lovely snow. What a disappointment! My neighbor tells me not to worry; we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.

December 14 Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.

December 15 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.

December 16 Ice storm this morning. Fell on my behind on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.

December 17 Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20 Electricity's back on, but had another 14 inches of the white stuff last night. More shoveling! Took all day. The stupid snowplow came by twice. Tried to find
a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower
and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.

December 22 Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white stuff fell today, and it's so cold, it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to pee. By the time I got undressed, peed and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter, but he says he's too busy. I think he is lying.

December 23 Only 2 inches of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she, nuts?!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's lying.

December 24 6 inches - Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the guy who drives that snow plow, I'll drag him through the snow and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the darn snowplow.

December 25 Merry Christmas! 20 more inches of the slop tonight - Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God, I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's an idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.

December 26 Still snowed in. Why did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27 Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze; plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.

December 28 Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. The wife is driving me crazy!!!

December 29 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30 Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver, and now he is suing me for a million dollars, not only the beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his behind. The wife went home to her mother. Nine more inches predicted.

December 31 I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.

January 8 Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?

: Biology Lesson

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says.

A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she volunteered.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler who lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he

jumped over the fence into our yard!"

"That must've been scary", said the teacher."It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'... and before he could say "Fuck," the rottweiler ate him!"

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. Descending a bit more he shouted, "Excuse me, can you help? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I do not know where I am."

The woman replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40/41 degrees latitude, north, and 59/60 degrees west, longitude."

"You must be a paralegal or legal secretary", said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically
correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all, if
anything, you have delayed my trip."

The woman below responded, "You must be an attorney."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "But how did you know?"

"Well," replied the woman, "You don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problem. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now - somehow -- it is my fault."

1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book.It's called "Ministers Do More Than Lay People."

2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.

3. The difference between the Pope and your boss...the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood

7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.

8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.

9. My next house will have no kitchen – just vending machines and a large trash can.

10. A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was

11. I'm so depressed. My doctor refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.

12. My neighbour was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told him rabies could be treated, and he didn't have to worry about a Will. He said, "Will? What Will? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite."

13 Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.

REMEMBER, GROWING OLDER IS MANDATORY. GROWING UP IS OPTIONAL

Three little ducks go into a Bar.............................

"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.

"Huey," was the reply.

"How's your day been, Huey?"

"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey.

"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, "Hi,
and what's your name?"

"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.

"So how's your day been, Dewey! ?" he asked.

"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?"

The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"

"No," she said, batting her eyelashes.

"My name is Puddles."

Dear Friends, Warning DO NOT READ with a full bladder!

This will mean so much more to those that know me personally.

Stacy is fond of saying that my last words on this

earth will be something akin to, "hey y'all, hold my beer

and watch this!" Well, I have outdone myself once again. No

doubt you will see this true story chronicled in a Lifetime

movie in the near future. Here goes.

Last weekend I spied something at the local Pawn shop

that tickled my fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy"

is easily tickled). I bought something really cool for Stacy.

I was looking for a little something extra for my sweet girl. What I came

across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer gun with

a clip. For those of you who are not familiar with this

product, it is a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal

prongs designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of

high-voltage, low amperage electricity while you flee to

safety. The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no

long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you

adequate time to retreat to safety. You simply jab the

prongs into your 250 lb. Tattooed assailant, push the

button, and it will render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed,

muscle-twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If you've

never seen one of these things in action, then you're truly

missing out--way too cool!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I

loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed

the button. Nothing! I was so disappointed. Upon reading the

directions (we don't need no stinkin' directions), I found

much to my chagrin that this particular model would not

create an arch between the prongs. How disappointing! I do

love fire for effect. I learned that if I pushed the button,

however, and pressed it against a metal surface that I'd get

the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between

the prongs that I was so looking forward to. I did so.

Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arch of electricity, and a loud

pop!!! Yipeeeeee . . I'm easily amused, just for your

information, but I have yet to explain to Stacy what that

burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to

myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two

triple-a batteries, etc., etc. There I sat in my recliner,

my dog Kelli looking on intently (trusting soul),

reading the directions (that would be me, not Kelli) and

thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a

flesh and blood target. I must admit I thought about zapping

Kelli for a fraction of a second and thought better of it.

She is such a sweet dog, after all. But, if I was going to

give this thing to Stacy to protect herself against a

mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as

advertised. Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? Seemed

reasonable to me at the time...

So, there I sat in a pair of boxer shorts and a tank top with my

reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose,

directions in one hand, Tazer in another. The directions

said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your

assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle

spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst

would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground

like a fish out of water. All the while I'm looking at this

little device (measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch

in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two

itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no

way!" no cotton-pickin' way--trust me, but I'm getting ahead

of myself.

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do

my best. Those of you who know me well have got a pretty

good idea of what followed. I'm sitting there alone, Kelli

looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say,

"don't do it buddy," reasoning that a one-second burst from

such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad

(sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't

you agree?). I decided to give myself a one-second burst

just for the heck of it. (Note: You know, a bad decision is

like hindsight--always twenty-twenty. It is so obvious that

it was a bad decision after the fact, even though it seemed

so right at the time. Don't ya hate that?)

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button,

and HOLY **************!!!! I'm pretty sure

that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door, picked me

up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet

over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side

in the fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to

be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body

in the oddest position. Kelli was standing over me making

funny sounds I had never heard before, licking my face,

undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"

(Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a

Tazer, one note of caution. There is no such thing as a

one-second burst when you zap yourself. You're not going to

let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by

a violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if you're

lucky, you won't dislodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep in

your thigh like yours truly.) OH MAN!!!***** that hurt! A

minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative

thing at this point), I collected my wits (what little I had

left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses

were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get

there??? My triceps, right thigh and both titties were still

twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with

Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. give or take an

ounce or two, I'm pretty sure.

By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran

away. I'm offering a reward. They're round, pretty good size,

and handsome if I must say so myself. At least that's how I remember

them.

Miss 'em . . . sure would like to get 'em back.

Tony